Recapping is tricky this week and the next two weeks as I’m on a cruise on the Mediterranean until June 5th. Not only is it dicey from a connectivity standpoint (we boarded yesterday and the Internet was out until this morning), but also in that I don’t have much interest in sitting on my computer to recap when I’d rather be out exploring. (Andy went to play poker last night but I stayed in our room to finish this; I don’t want that to set the tone of this vacay!) So, I appreciate your patience as I do my best to get these out to the best of my ability. I may or may not cut some content in the next two weeks.

“That was such a cool experience with, like, the drags and stuff.”

—No, Jed… just, no.

As with all Episode 2s, we start with the men all moved into the mansion and hearing them (unprompted, of course) take turns talking about how great Hannah is. You know who else thinks Hannah is great? Chris Harrison, who apparently struggles for any other adjectives with which to describe her…

GROUP DATE #1

First things first, killer guests. I used to watch America’s Next Top Model religiously and I am a huge RuPaul’s Drag Race fan, so YAY for the Miss J, Alaska and Alyssa Edwards cameos! I credit the show for having them and feel this shows their support for the LGBT community.

This is THE episode during which to play Imagine If The Genders Were Reversed. (Should this become an ATPP thing??) Exhibit A is when, after being told that the men would have to participate in the “Mr. Right” pageant, Alyssa shows them the swimwear they can look forward to modeling…

Now, of course I realize this is based on the Miss USA pageant in which women have traditionally been required to model swimsuits. But, 1) that is unto itself an incredibly sexist tradition (if I sound like I was for the axing the swimsuit competition, it’s because I am), and 2) even then, it’s under the guise of being about her woman’s “confidence” and “poise”.

However, on this date, the feeling was very much an overt, “you have to wear next to nothing onstage and in front of an audience and you will be ogled and objectified.” Yet, on Bachelor seasons, with the female contestants, such requirements are typically downplayed and portrayed as a natural, circumstantial thing. Like, of course you’d wear skimpy bikinis because we’re on the beach! (Or… walking through the streets on the way to the beach, as on Chris’ season.) Of course you’d wear sequined lingerie because this is Moulin Rouge (Arie’s season)! Of course you’d get naked (or near naked) for a photoshoot because it’s for CHARITY (my season). In that sense, I actually almost (almost!) better respect how the men are treated here—like pieces of meat—versus the faux non-objectifying of the ladies on Bachelor seasons. At least it’s honest! But yeah, two wrongs.

Exhibit B of If The Genders Were Reversed…

We move on to the “talent” portion of the “pageant”, where poor Luke P has to follow Jed’s (impressive) song. What ensues is a series of particularly painful choices. First, it would appear Luke P believes professing feelings counts as “talent”. But what bothers me even more than that cop-out of a choice is his humorless delivery. Like, if you’re going to do something as cartoonish as tell the Bachelorette you’re falling in love with her on your first “date” with them, at least do it with a “Yeah, I know I’m that guy” twinkle in your eye. But everything about Luke P’s delivery is further proof this poor man clearly cannot make fun of himself. From how he removes the microphone (like he thinks he’s about to steal the show), to his dramatic pauses, to his Too Serious gaze. Also, I laughed SO HARD at Jed’s face twitch…

Later in the evening, when some of the men address Luke P’s choice with him, we get this gem of him declaring…

Once again, what bothers me here is less about the choice than the humorlessness of it. Like, of course this is not true. It’s been proven season after season that someone there for the Wrong Reasons can and will profess their love (or soon-to-be-love) for the lead; it is, in fact, imperative to their Wrong Reasons success. But there’s something about the look in Luke P’s eyes that makes me think he might actually believe what he’s saying. He doesn’t see the irony in his words or his actions, on a show old enough for his words and actions to be the very definition of ironic.

TYLER G’S 1-ON-1

THANK GOD, we can move on from Luke P. Hannah whisks Tyler G away in the season’s first (but certainly not last) helicopter. As it takes off, not only do we get some great mic pack sightings, we also see Dustin clearly has his body part protection priorities in order…

There’s not much to speak of during the day portion of this date, so I’m skipping to the evening, where Hannah shows she’s taken an unfortunate page from Colton’s Bachelor book…

I was really hoping I’d never have to hear this again.

While I’m sure there’s more to this date and their connection than meets the eye, what meets the eye is pretty abysmal. I for one felt zero chemistry between Hannah and Tyler G. We learned nothing about Tyler G except that he feels REALLY lucky to be there…

… and that he suffers from the same affliction as most contestants (and leads, for that matter) on this show, where he makes grand statements with no actual words or examples to back them up…

WHY is Hannah all you could ever want in a woman? WHY is she awesome? Two or three adjectives is all I ask!

GROUP DATE #2

Garrett is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. I perked up when he expressed being aware of getting “amped” to talk to Hannah, noting how it happened…

It takes some introspection to be able to identify the above as he has. Clips like this are mini peeks behind the curtain. Yes, the men may well have liked and pursued Hannah in real life, but you can see how their interest can be taken to a whole new level in this environment.

When Cam crashes this Group Date cocktail party, we get our first (but certainly not last) shot of Hannah caught off guard, looking at her producers…

This is the lite version of Colton looking around after Cassie had told him her father had visited. It’s the first time this season that production has gone behind her back and made arrangements to “surprise” her, and you can see her processing that. Also, based on her initial response, before she puts on a smile and handles things graciously, you can tell that she is NOT into Cam.

It’s a shame Cam crashed this date because I was already overexposed to him after Night One. A bit less Cam would have been nice. But no, we’re subjected to more Cam-isms, which of course are not remotely prepared or rehearsed…

After she gives Dustin the Group Date rose, Hannah actually confesses to being really tired, something we rarely see. From what I hear, being the lead is EXHAUSTING in terms of energy output and sleep deprivation, but we almost never see that expressed on the show. I love how Hannah frankly (and charmingly) admits her exhaustion. Also note how she holds eye contact with her producer, presumably getting approval (or the go-ahead) to wrap things up…

ROSE CEREMONY

At the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Connor S takes Hannah aside first, making up for his Week 1 datelessness. I appreciated Hannah’s following correction and saw it as a reminder to us all that there are things we just cannot see or feel through the TV...

I may write about this show every week and impart my opinions on chemistry and connections (as I did with Tyler G above!), but at the end of the day, none of us really know what’s shared between these people. We can think there’s a connection (or not), but we don’t know. I remember, after my season, the Internet having a million and one opinions about what I did or didn’t share with Juan Pablo. It was deeply frustrating at times, feeling the need to defend your experience, but I’ve learned since that it doesn’t really matter. No one else knows, and the kind of people who make the most inaccurate and sweeping judgments generally aren’t interested in the truth, anyway.

Later, Hannah refers to Luke P as “dessert”, and we have Exhibit C of Imagine If The Genders Were Reversed…

… except we don’t have to imagine it, because Chris Randone did this exact thing on Bachelor in Paradise, Season 5, and he was plenty vilified for it. If Hannah were a man in the above clip, she’d be seen as a dirtbag, but interestingly, we were shown it in the context of her being cute. Just sayin’.

Finally, post-Rose Ceremony, I had to capture John Paul Jones throwing back his champagne and then glaring directly into the camera…

My sister’s boyfriend watches the show with her and his hands-down favorite guy is John Paul Jones. I’m starting to see why.

As always, my initial takeaways and frontrunners based on this episode can be found over at Flare.

THE FASHION

Requests

I’m sorry to those who have requested fashion, I just didn’t have time to work on it this week!

Hannah’s Looks

I liked this look. First, I’m a sucker for anything leopard print, but the combo of this blouse being both red and sheer felt fresh and different. I was not surprised to find out it was AllSaints because I seem to like everything from AllSaints. The booties were a win for me, too. Hannah’s AllSaints Adeliza leopard print blouse sells HERE. There’s a good look-for-less selling HERE (S), HERE (M), and HERE (L). Her Zara Wraparound Mesh heeled sandals sell HERE, and since Zara tends to sell out, I’ll also link a (very on sale) near-identical option that I found in my search, HERE.

Unsurprisingly, this backless dress was my favorite look of the week. It’s the perfect LRD. I would have preferred at least a side sweep with her hair to highlight the back, but I’m not dwelling on it because it’s clear from the next look that Hannah is not afraid to wear her hair up. It would seem we’re in for a season of at least SOME hair variety. Hannah’s dress is by Randi Rahm but I couldn’t find a thing about it online. (Except for a photo of Maria Menounos wearing the long version.) It would appear to be the knee-length (or hemmed) version of Maria Menounos’. Despite being the backless dress whisperer, I couldn’t find a reasonable dupe for this. The closest thing I could find is THIS backless number (no draping, long silhouette), and in my search I found THIS cool asymmetrical option which felt worth linking out.

I’m afraid I didn’t love this. I sometimes feel Bachelorette outfits feel kitschy and this feels kitschy to me. I get going monochrome, but it has to maintain at least some elegance and sophistication. A white Canadian tuxedo with a white top AND white shoes is just matchy-matchy, not sophisticated. Hannah’s Chaser Arc De Star muscle tank sells HERE. Her Boston Proper denim frayed hem jacket sells HERE. Her Hudson Baraca jeans sell (on sale!) HERE.

As for the details…

Hannah’s Naturalizer Cairo sneakers sell HERE. Her Inverted V diamond huggie earrings and diamond chevron necklace are both by Gabriel & Co—they sell HERE and HERE, respectively.

*** UPDATE 06.06.19: As per Layla’s request in the comments, I found some looks-for-less for the above earrings. I could only find fine jewelry options for these so they’re not dirt cheap, but they’re still a fraction of the cost of Hannah’s. There’s a pavé option (with lab diamonds) HERE, and a solid gold version (super on sale, with an extra 30% off) HERE.

I liked this but wish we’d gotten to see more of the dress. (I don’t understand always putting our lead in these freezing cold evening situations, but at least she was given her own jacket this time.) The star for me here is her leather jacket, as I’ve been coveting the perfect, sleek and subtle leather jacket for quite some time and am sorely tempted by this one. (Of course it turns out to be AllSaints! 🙈) Hannah’s Iro asymmetrical sequin dress sells (on sale!) HERE. There’s a great look-for-less available HERE. Her AllSaints Vela leather biker jacket sells HERE. There’s a good look-for-less HERE.

I liked this look fine but it would have been so much better with a bolder hair choice, like a slick ponytail. This is a beautiful, unique top, but with her hair down and around it, it just feels lost. Hannah’s Alexis Charis top is sadly sold out (HERE) but there’s a super similar one by the same brand still available HERE. I found looks-for-less HERE and HERE. Her Gabriel & Co ring (requested by a few of you) sells HERE, but since it’s real and thus pricey, I found some looks-for-less, HERE and HERE. In my search I also found a very cool, very Bachelorette-y four-finger star ring that I had to link out, HERE.

Finally, a Randi Rahm dress I love. It’s not that I’m rushing out to buy this for myself, but rather, I love that it makes a statement, it’s interesting, it’s sexy, it's something we’ve never seen before. It’s a risk, and a good one. Hannah’s dress is the Passion Taruna gown (Fall 2018 collection) by Randi Rahm, shown HERE. (According to their Instagram, you can inquire about owning it by Her Stuart Weitzman Nudist sandals (in Lamé Platinum) sell HERE, and there’s a look-for-less (on sale) HERE.