"Both the guys that, like, I'm interested in, like, got dates." – Lacy, tearing up, to one of those very guys.

Disclaimer: Do not read if you watch Bachelor in Paradise without any irony. Asterisks (*) indicate vocal fry.

Wow, guys. Bachelor In Paradise. Where to begin? It’s like a serious take on a spoof of a spoof of a bad reality show. Seriously. Bachelor Pad, with its clear incentive of a cash prize, made WAY more sense to me as a viewer.

Sadly, unlike in Bachelor Pad, your ability to win physical challenges and spelling bees, manipulate others à la Survivor, and your overall charisma don't really matter all that much. In "paradise", your worth is quantified by your physical attractiveness alone. Sounds fun, right?

Case in point, Lacy, whose "silhouette"...

... has men joking about playing rock-paper-scissors "for" her before she's even arrived.

The worst part? I'd bet money Lacy was delighted to watch their reactions back on television.

One of Lacy's many golden quotes: "I will make myself known and those guys will know who I am." (I'm not sure there'd be a point in trying to teach her what redundancy is.)

Parents of impressionable young women, KEEP THEM FAR AWAY FROM THIS SHOW.

Cue "evil" music. There's a villain in our midst:

Ben: “I’m just hopeful for this to be a good experience, and ending well instead of bad like last time.”

He's so evil.

Clare (edited into Ben's "evil" music arrival so we think she's talking about him): "I hope guys aren’t, like, douchey. I can’t handle douchey guys. Like at all."

You guys, Ben must be douchey. His packaged image is solidified with an edit of no one talking to him when he arrives. So it's settled then: Ben is basically the Devil.

Back to Lacy, because let's be honest, she's done what she can to make this show entirely about her and such effort shouldn't go unrewarded:

Verbatim: "Robert’s definitely an attractive guyyyy*. And that’s where a connection starts with. You have to be attracted to someone first."

Here's hoping Lacy graces us with more such wisdom all season long.

Dylan! Nice Haircut!

Chris Harrison appears and informs the gaggle that they'll be going on "Bachelor-style" dates but that a girl will get eliminated at the end of the week, causing panic amongst the women. An observation that doesn't really change anything: Lacy and Robert definitely swam in the ocean before Chris Harrison's Hear Ye and before everyone moved into the house.

Just since Robert was conspicuously:

And Lacy, well:

Screen Shot 2014-08-11 at 12.05.58 PM.png

You know your boobs are out when the person writing a blog making fun of the show you're on is embarrassed to let any screenshot of you be seen by anyone else in the cafe she's writing at.

In the evening, Marcus continues to milk his tragic, spurned lover role by reflecting in the ocean...

... wearing nothing other than his tightie orangies. (Credit goes to Clare for that perfect assessment of Marcus' attire)

Sarah, upon watching Lacy frolic in the ocean with the second guy in one day, proves to be a beacon of normalcy by delivering a much-needed direct-look-into-camera:

The next day, the long-awaited date card arrives with Clare's name on it. Clare chooses Graham, Graham says yes, but apparently this was a no-no because the only reason AshLee even CAME was to meet Graham, so Graham should be loyal to her since she's been following him on Twitter.

In her fit of possessive rage, AshLee earns Daniella's allegiance by telling her:

In her ITM, Daniella speaks truth and wins herself legions of fans:

Clare understandably vents about the shituation she's stumbled into...

... but instead of showing the producer she's talking to, the editors think a raccoon would better suit.

Anyone dumb enough to believe Clare was talking to a raccoon should not be allowed near their own kitchen appliances and motorized vehicles.

Poor Clare is too nice and tries to please everyone by retracting the offer from Graham, while Robert, her next target, looks on:

Graham ponders why the girls are all avoiding him like the plague now, while America screams, "RUN, GRAHAM. RUN FAR, FAR AWAY."

Turns out Graham didn't miss much, because what Chris Harrison failed to mention is that these are BUDGET Bachelor-style dates:

Robert agrees:

Lacy, determined to focus on Marcus now that Robert's gone, joins him on the beach for some scintillating conversation.

Marcus: I'm glad you're here.

Lacy: I know. I'm happy you're here, too.

(Marcus nods.)

Lacy: Everyone thinks you're adorable*.

Marcus: Oh really?

Lacy: Yes*.

(Marcus laughs.)

Lacy: How has your dating* life* been*?

Marcus: Non-existent.

Lacy: Really? Why haven't you dated*?

Marcus: I've just never found, like, the right girl, honestly.

Lacy: When do you think another date card's coming, though*?

Marcus: I don't know, hopefully tonight.

Lacy: You think tonight?

Marcus: I'd like a date card tonight.

Lacy: Your eyes* are* pretty*. They're so blue*.

Marcus: My eyes? Your eyes are pretty.

This is where four billion years of evolution has brought us.

Luckily, some excitement, fashionable eye candy, and honesty is arriving, all in the form of Michelle Money:

I'm not going to lie: I really like this girl. From the way she didn't harp on her history with Graham, to how she modestly asked Marquel on the date, to her admitting she's feeling insecure about her age and having post-baby stretch marks. There's a vulnerability to Michelle that makes her very difficult to dislike.

Later on, Lacy's love triangle makes her the obvious choice for the producers to give a date card to. Who to select causes her so much turmoil that:

She selects Robert while Clare wishes she'd chosen ANYWHERE ELSE to sit.

I'd be very surprised if there wasn't some other exit for these two to take, hand-in-hand:

Guess what?!

Something about Ben's face here kills me.

The cocktail party consists of the same people, who have been eating, drinking, and living together, drinking together some more. The focus is pretty much Marcus who tragically and inexplicably feels something for Lacy, who tragically and inexplicably can't get enough attention. The one remarkable thing to happen is that Daniella, surely by the end of this episode everyone's favorite player, is sent home. Boo!

BEST DRESSED

Love or hate AshLee, the girl sure can dress. I loved her Day One outfit:

That pale beige tank is very simple up top but has a cool fringe, right where her white shorts end. Not anyone could pull off that layering and she did it effortlessly. Her new blonde ombré, lighter than we remember her having, is perfection. And I'm pretty much obsessed with that slave bracelet.

LESSONS LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. 80 + 40 = 100

2. conversate, verb: To converse with other contestants shortly before an elimination.

3. It is possible for your expectations to be over-exceeded. Proceed with caution.

DRINKING GAME WORDS OF THE WEEK

1. Vibing

2. Connection

Until next week, fellow pandas!