Quarantine Diaries: What I’ve Learned (So Far), Part I

It’s been too long since I’ve done a chattier blog post and I’ve been quietly assembling this one for awhile. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’ve been struggling to decide what to put out into the interwebs at this time. While I’ve had fashion posts saved up, I haven’t felt inspired to talk about clothes. I SO appreciate those of you who have encouraged me to still talk fashion, though, and please know I do hear you and take your words to heart.

Through all this, through the panic, the unknowns, the inability to plan, the loss of opportunity and income, a prominent feeling I’ve had has been anger. Anger at the flagrant inequality, privilege, and willful ignorance in the world, and how brutally well this pandemic brings those into focus.

BUT I realize anger is not a productive or helpful emotion—it sure as hell doesn’t make me any happier. My friend Alexa (who is my source for many inspiring quotes) told me recently that this is the time for metamorphosis. It’s a time to reflect, to observe ourselves, to learn from those observations, and to maybe even emerge a different, bettered version of ourselves. So while I might feel some anger and anxiety, I’m making an effort to funnel those into more productive and growth-inducing emotions.

These What I’ve Learned posts are probably going to be the most diary-like of anything I’ve ever written on this blog. My fear is it may come off a bit self-indulgent to write at such length about my own thoughts and reflections, but I consider much of what I’ve written here to be critical of (or rather, critically observing) myself.

The last time I wrote in this level of detail about my own reflections was while filming The Bachelor. I’ve never really kept a diary (I really wish I did but the few times I’ve tried, I’ve never been able to stick with it.) Those Bachelor journal entries have never been seen by anyone but myself but I still look back on them fondly and am so glad I wrote them. In real time during filming, I recognized that it would be a waste not to grow from the many emotions I was experiencing.

At the risk of sounding trite or like I’m minimizing the seriousness of the state of things, this pandemic feels bizarrely similar. (I of course realize staying home during a pandemic is NOT the same as being in the Bachelor mansion!) But there’s a strange familiarity in having your options for socializing, distraction, and entertainment being pared down to so few. In the Bachelor mansion, you’re not allowed books, music, Internet, your phone, seeing or talking to anyone you know or love. In quarantine, we have all those things, but we don’t have so many others (you don’t need me to list the things we don’t have right now).

With people in the world quite literally dying, I loathe it when people emphasize being “bored”. BUT, there’s nonetheless the extra time to stew with our thoughts, our goals, our failures and flaws. (Well, you have that time if you don’t have kids! My heart goes out to the parents out there!)

Why am I putting this in writing? Well, for one, I know you guys like (and even prefer) more reflective, wordy posts. Second, there’s accountability. Much of the following are things I’d like to work on, and putting it out into the world holds me to that. Third, I know it’s a good return on investment; just as I felt about that Bachelor journal (and with all my wedding blog posts), I will most certainly look back on this and be glad I took the time to write it all down.

So, without further ado, here are some of those ramblings…

Aloneness

I’ve always known I’m perfectly fine on my own, without a ton of social interaction. In the black-and-white terms of extroversion (feeling recharged by social interaction) versus introversion (feeling recharged by alone time), I am an introvert through and through. But stepping away from socializing with any kind of regularity has made me realize I have slight social anxiety. I’m not going to pretend it’s crippling or even all that serious, but it’s still an observation and valid.

Socializing for me tends to fall into one of these three categories…

It’s a close friend with whom I’m completely comfortable and myself around. The fewer people there are and the better I know them, the happier I am. These days, I yearn for these hangs to the point where it aches. (My three closest friends now live on the other side of the country so a socially-distanced hang in the park isn’t in the cards.)
Obligation. This accounts for the vast majority of my socializing, which I know probably sounds bad. But to be clear, whether it’s a friend or an acquaintance, I’m usually happy during and after the fact (unless for some reason we have an awful time). Regardless, I experience some degree of anxiety leading up to it, usually proportionate to how well I know the person.
Because it has been awhile and I’m craving the change of pace.

In many ways my comfort being alone has been a useful trait; a lot of people might assume singing opera is better suited to extroverts, given the whole performing on a stage thing. But in terms of the lifestyle, you really are alone most of the time. The learning music, the travel, the weeks spent living in a hotel room. Rehearsals do involve varying degrees of socialness (depending on the opera and the staging), and while I do enjoy them, I still tend to spend my mealtimes and breaks alone (unless I feel VERY comfortable with a particular cast or someone in it).

I know you may be thinking: But right now you’re with Andy - you’re not alone!

I know I’ve mentioned this somewhere over the years, but Andy and I joke that to be with each other is to be with our own selves. On the surface it might appear an opposites-attract relationship, but our personalities are extremely similar. And as such, I truly believe one of the keys to our happy marriage is our ability to be together in silence. Our apartment is wonderful but, in true NYC fashion, it’s on the small side. Coexisting without necessarily interacting with each other is something I’ve always valued in my romantic relationships (I’ve had this with many boyfriends and I know it’s something they’ve valued in me), and now more than ever, I see it as indispensable.

Interestingly, on a romantic level, I’ve always been drawn to men who are very comfortable and at ease socially, and I figure there’s a connection there, in admiring a trait I don’t possess but oftentimes wish I did.

That said, I wouldn’t say this is necessarily something I strive to work on or change. I know by now I am able to be social even if I’m not in the ideal mood for it, and I find comfort in knowing I’m happy about it afterwards. (If I found I regretted being social, on top of feeling anxiety about it, I might be concerned.) One of the joys of my 30s has definitely been embracing this about myself instead of constantly trying to suppress or counteract it (as I once did).

Dwindling Attention Span

That’s not to say I think I have some attention deficit issue. I’ve long known I can commit to and apply myself for hours, days, and weeks. I can actually get kind of lost in these projects, obsessed even. But those tasks tend to be either aesthetically driven (something artsy) or involve sending my mind someplace else, like reading a book or playing a video game. Reflecting and noticing things about myself hasn’t been hard (except when they’re observations I’m not proud of), but when it came to actually writing all this down, I struggled. Case in point, it has taken me ages to assemble this blog post.

Now, I think this is because a) I’m not totally sure I enjoy writing all that much (I’m still trying to figure this one out), and b) when it’s not aesthetic or doesn’t have a timeline, I’m easily distracted. (A true procrastinator, I’m good at crunch time.) I’ve mentioned before that I work way better at a workspace than I do at home. Even as I type this, I’m eyeing dishes that need washing, the laundry that could be done. I wanted to check on that Intermix sale, wanted to order that new planter, wanted start that cross stitch, wanted to put a new screen protector on my phone…. FOCUS, SHARLEEN. FOCUS.

Part of me wonders if this is a function of how everything demands and competes for our waning attention these days. It sometimes feels as though my Internet brain has transferred over to real life. I lose my train of thought, forget my original purpose when I googled something 5 browser tabs ago. I’ll go upstairs and forget why I went up there (this happens disturbingly often). It affects my sleep; when I try to do meditative breathing exercises, my mind has wandered by the third inhale. I’ve taken to literally writing things down (as in, pen to paper) in the middle of the night because I don’t want to forget them come morning. Worrying about potentially forgetting about it will keep me up.

Thanks to a recommendation on an Instagram post of mine, I’m now reading a book that has made me realize that this attention span thing is not only a problem of mine. We’re all struggling to maintain our focus, to resist the temptation of endless (and mindless) distraction. This is absolutely something I am working on. I don’t know if I can fix it, but I’m sure as hell going to be as conscious as possible to prevent it from getting worse.

In case you’re curious, the book is How To Do Nothing by Jenny Odell (thank you Amanda for the recommendation!). I also highly recommend Screened Out, a disturbing but (in my opinion) important documentary.

Drink Up (Or Not)

I mention this one mainly because it feels like the running joke about pandemic life is how wasted everyone’s getting all the time. Trust me, I don’t mean to point this out in a judgmental way; my mother always has a glass of red after dinner and it’s a ritual that brings her much joy. I envy the calm, winding-down, “me time” factor a drink brings people. It just doesn’t work that way for me.

Pandemic aside, I do like to get my drink on once in awhile, but that “awhile” has become more and more sporadic as I’ve gotten older. Around 3 years ago, I cut out the casual glass or wine or drink after finally making the connection between alcohol and my ability to stay asleep. After even one glass of wine in the evening, I could fall asleep fine, but I’d inevitably wake in the middle of the night and feel wide awake. I concluded that drink simply wasn’t worth ruining my entire night over.

Over the last few years, I’ve decided with drinking that it has to be worth it. Meaning, I want a NIGHT. I want to get out of the house. I want to do my hair and makeup and wear a fun outfit and heels. I want to drink cocktails on rooftops and dance to good music and feel fabulous. That is absolutely worth one shitty night’s sleep.

Beyond that, I’ve always known I’m not much of a drinker. I’m a lightweight to begin with (Caila Quinn and I routinely bond over this!), and I don’t really crave the taste or sensation of alcohol. Pandemic life has definitely made me realize I drink socially only, certainly as a means of social lubrication. (I think I just like the person I am better (socially) when I’ve had one or two vodka sodas and can let go of my insecurities, neuroses, and that aforementioned anxiety.) Now, with the pandemic and the social factor out the window, Andy and I pretty much never drink. After a hard work day, he might have one beer and I’ll have a sip. (I happen to love the taste of beer.) There was one sunny Saturday where we made Bloody Marys for fun, to pretend we were out at brunch. But pandemic life has REALLY made me realize what a non-drinker I am.

I don’t really have a problem with this. In the long run my skin will probably thank me. But that’s not to say that if and when things go back to “normal” (or whatever the new normal looks like) I won’t be having that shitty-night’s-sleep-worthy night on the town. :)

Work Ethic

This is a positive one that I’m proud of. I’ve never really thought of myself as being so hard-working. Certainly, with singing, I’ve worked really hard but it also never felt like it was much of a choice—in opera, you either have to be a hard worker to work, or you don’t work hard and you don’t get work. I know very few singers who are so naturally, effortlessly skilled and talented that they don’t need to work. And with the ones who get the job and show up underprepared, well… let’s just say there are fewer and fewer of them as I’ve worked longer and longer.

In quarantine, I’ve learned just how unlazy I am. I know this probably isn’t reflected in my blog, and trust me, this is not something I’m proud of. I feel like I’ve abandoned you but please know it’s not for a lack of affection on my part. It’s more so what I said at the top of this post, how I’ve struggled to know what to write about, combined with an observation to come in Part II. I love this blog but it really is the ultimate self-motivated endeavor; you don’t get the ball rolling and then let off the gas, allowing momentum to take over. It’s an endless loop of “content creation”.

I’ve realized how much singing might play a role in how I work. In opera, I prepare a role. I fly out and live in that city for anywhere from 3-6 weeks rehearsing, then doing a few performances at the end, and then I go back home. That contract is over. I don’t need to do anything more for it. It makes sense, then, that I am able to apply myself (for the most part) to my Bachelor recaps, where there’s a clear beginning and end in sight. In short, I seem to work best in spurts. Whether or not that’s how I was to begin with, or if I became that way because of my career, I don’t know.

For the first few months of quarantine, I wasn’t motivated at all and felt shame when I’d go on social media; everyone was adapting their “content” so seamlessly (or so it seemed). I played a LOT of video games in those first two months, burying my head in the sand somewhat. But then something in me changed, probably around the time when I realized this pandemic wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I realized that this might not be about just losing a singing contract or two; this could well be it for my singing career. I realize that’s a big statement but I haven’t fully wrapped my mind around it yet; I plan to follow up in Part II.

Now, in terms of my day-to-day life, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how motivated I am to just DO stuff. That’s not to say I’m being SUPER! PRODUCTIVE! (I loathe that messaging during these times, as though one MUST be creating, broadcasting, and achieving right now; maybe that’s not what what 2020 looks like for all of us, and THAT’S A-OK.) It’s more that I’m not as lazy as I thought I might be. From organizing closets, to lugging home groceries, to cooking twice a day (a huge deal for someone who only knew how to cook a couple of dishes before this), to cleaning regularly, to staying on top of working out (not much, but better than nothing!), to really (finally!) applying myself to that podcast that I’ve had on the back burner for so long. It of course varies day by day, as I think it does for all of us, and some days I wake up and feel less motivated than I do on others. But for the most part I’m proud of the fact that I haven’t completely crawled into a hole and allowed myself to just play video games all day, every day. I’m kind of an airy fairy type and do think I’m susceptible to falling off the face of the earth in between those work “spurts”, so the fact that this hasn’t happened (or at least only happened for the first months) has been a nice discovery.

That’s it for Part I of Things I’ve Learned. Part II is mostly done and coming soon. This has been a very strange time, ranging from terrifying to freeing, but it’d be a waste not to look inward and try to put words to feelings. I’d love to hear what you guys have been observing about yourselves, good or bad, and just hear how you’ve been doing in general. Let me know in the comments and, as always, wishing you safety and sanity.