If you follow me on the ol’ ‘gram, you probably know I’ve been chipping away at starting a podcast with Andy. Dear Shandy officially launched one week ago, and seeing as how most of you have gotten to know me via my writing, it seems only appropriate that I’d put my deeper thoughts on this venture here…

Photo taken on our roof by Clarence Chan (pre-pandemic… I’ve been too lazy to schedule any socially-distanced shoots 🙈)

History

The roots for this podcast actually go waaay back. If you’ve been following me for awhile, you’ll know I used to have a relationship advice column in Flare Magazine called Ask Sharleen. It appeared both in print and online and ran from 2015-2016, eventually going the way of the Dodo bird along with the in-print mag. (RIP print media)

In 2017, after I joined Reality Steve as a guest on his podcast, he asked me if I’d be interested in starting a new pod with him. I was a bit on the fence because we weren’t sure what the main hook would be and that mattered a lot to me (I did not want something Bachelor-related). Steve asked me if I had any ideas for a premise. I told him I loved talking relationships and the concept of an advice column-inspired pod (by then I really missed my column) and so, being the good sport Steve is, He Said, She Said was born. I did that with him for one year, from mid-2017 through mid-2018. Our contract was up at the year mark and, while I enjoyed doing it with him, my singing schedule was getting nuts (I would literally record from hotel rooms all over the place). Also, as much as I like Steve and enjoy our rapport, deep down I knew I wanted to create something with my husband, Andy.

Andy brings out my rawest, quirkiest, and in my opinion, best self. I am 100% my true self with him, and he with me, and the fact that we can record in our apartment doesn’t hurt. To top it off, I firmly believe Andy gives excellent relationship advice; I’ve heard it happen with our own friends, both male and female. (Only when they ask, of course—I promise we’re not overbearing about it!) We’ve both had full dating histories (Andy’s is particularly rich), from hook-ups to casual dating scenarios to long distance relationships to serious, long-term relationships (including an engagement!), so we are able to speak from experience a lot of the time. Most importantly, we really are blissfully happy in our marriage, even if it’s not precisely what either of us envisioned or even sought. That last part is a big deal as it puts all my past relationships, especially the ones I thought were maybe “The One”, in perspective.

The pod started out as a vague “wouldn’t it be cool if…” idea, but as I expressed an interest in it over the years (first with Reality Steve on He Said, She Said, and again on Olivia Caridi’s Mouthing Off podcast last year), I received an overwhelmingly positive response about it. In short, just as YOU give me the motivation to keep up with this blog and recapping, YOU gave me the courage to follow through on this pipe dream. Combined with the time I now have thanks to the pandemic (it should come as no surprise that, as an opera singer, I am indeed without work these days), I am FINALLY ripping off the Band-Aid and starting this damn thing.

Our logo! You may remember the animals from my Etsy favorites post. See the making of this logo HERE.

Hopes

For much of my 20s, I quietly followed and devoured a now-defunct relationship blog called … And That’s Why You’re Single. I LOVED it and would refresh it on the regular. The writer, Moxie, was (rather ironically, given the title) single, but she gave phenomenal advice and feedback. She was brutally honest, balanced but firm, and, in my opinion, accurate; I agreed with her 99% of the time. I loved her frank assessments of people’s dating profiles (they’d submit them for her review). But the best part was the comments: dozens upon dozens of well-written, thoughtful, SMART comments, ranging from funny to snarky to sincere. Each question felt like a conversation, not just a Q&A. The consensus was rarely a black and white thing, which is very much how I feel is the case with most relationship concerns.

I’m bringing this up for two reasons. The first is, I genuinely believe Moxie helped the people who wrote her. Perhaps it wasn’t what they wanted to hear in the moment, but by even writing her in the first place, they clearly sought something. She gave them that something they needed to hear. Oftentimes we just need an outsider’s assessment of our personal struggle to get the clarity we need; we’re too close to the issue to gain the perspective we’d need to make a (good) decision or to change our ways.

The second reason is many of Moxie’s readers, question-askers, and commenters were men. This was huge. I remember scrolling directly to the guys’ (whose handles I had come to learn) comments first. It was just invaluable to have that kind of an honest, unfiltered take from the sorts of men were being discussed. This ties into having Andy in my corner—after all, relationship advice and guy’s-perspective relationship advice are not necessarily one and the same. We also bounce off each other really well and oftentimes a question he has for a caller leads me to a new question, which leads to a new question of his and so forth. He’s the Watson to my Sherlock (or vice versa?). But further, I do believe Andy appeals to men in a way that your typical relationship podcast (especially one headed up by an alum of a TV show with 97% female audience) might not. I want the conversation to include men, for them to chip in their two cents, for them to realize discussing and analyzing relationships doesn’t make you any less “masculine” or whatever. So yes, that’s a long way of saying I want this podcast to truly be a co-ed and inclusive space.

Overall, I’d say our main goals are a) to legitimately help people using our own insights and experience, and b) to bring male insight into the fold, because I think this is SO important. And c) to entertain. Let’s face it, there is enough hell going on around us right now. I want the podcast to feel fun, to be funny, honest, to never try too hard, to just be irreverent and silly. You have a million options at your fingertips for structured podcasts hosted by qualified professionals. I’m not going to pretend Dear Shandy will be all that structured, nor am I claiming Andy or I are “qualified”. We’re not dating coaches or sex therapists. We’re just two people who have likely been there, who had learned enough dating lessons to recognize the right thing when faced with it (which is a problem today, IMO), and who maintain a harmonious, supportive partnership. And I use the word “maintain” intentionally, because I don’t believe you just “have” a good relationship. It’s something you both build, continuously contribute to, and indeed, maintain.

It’s funny how you can harbor so much self doubt surrounding so many things yet can have the utmost confidence in others. I have moments (ranging from sporadic to frequent) of self doubt and criticism regarding everything from my looks, body, and aging, all the way down to my own intelligence, how people perceive me, and my abilities as a musician and performer. BUT if there’s one category I am unflappably confident in, it’s my relationship. So, in a world of endless apps and bad first dates and a perpetual grass-is-greener mentality, it stands to reason that our perspectives might be worth something to someone.

Fun fact: To this day, in my email drafts, I have a looong (and damn well-written, if I must say so myself) email intended for Moxie, the writer of that aforementioned relationship blog. I was 28 and at a crossroads in a longterm relationship. I never had the nerve to send it, though I wish I had. Looking back at it, with the experiences and lessons I now have under my belt, I know what I would tell my 28-year old self. I think Moxie probably would have said something very similar. Maybe I would have taken her advice to heart and moved on. Maybe I would have ignored it and the chips would have still fallen where they did. I’ll never know, but I’m so glad I never deleted that draft, if only for the luxury of looking back over it and recognizing how much I’ve learned since.

Fears

Right off the bat, the mere optics of starting a podcast makes me cringe. I HATE how it sounds; at this point, everyone and their mothers have a podcast. I hate how it looks, as though I think we’re so interesting/compelling/charismatic that we deserve essentially our own radio show. These might not really qualify as “fears”, but they’re still icky feelings I had to get past.

In terms of fears, there are many. I don’t know what I was really expecting in launching a podcast, but for some reason I think I underestimated the amount of work that would go into it. (Looking back, I don’t see why I didn’t predict this.) Given the time and effort (and money, if we consider equipment) I’ve invested already, I feel a proportionate amount of fear that it will fail, that it won’t speak to people the way I intend for it to, that it’ll all be for nothing.

What’s funny is, in terms of ROI, there is no worse investment than singing opera. (Andy and I discuss this in a later episode.) I should be used to putting in a lot of time, effort, and money for something that might not (hell, will likely not) give me returns. But there is still something very scary about putting something like this out into the world.

In some ways, I am a very private person. (If you compare my Instagram to those of true “influencers”, you’ll likely see what I mean.) However, one of my greatest fears in life is regret. (I’ve often admitted this is why I went on The Bachelor in the first place, and it’s also why I pursued opera.) These two factors battle each other constantly; do I live out my life privately, or do I explore something I think has potential? Exploring potential avoids “what-if” regret, but what if it’s at the sacrifice of (some of) that privacy? As you can tell, in terms of this podcast, my fear of regret trumped my desire for privacy.

My biggest overall fear is also the most likely. I can only imagine my true self is different in some way (or many ways) than what people imagine me to be. After all, as I’ve said countless times over the years in my Bachelor recaps, the edit I got on TV (the “classy, worldly opera singer” edit) may be a facet of who I am, but it is in NO WAY a complete (and subsequently, accurate) representation of who I am. (I touched on this in the WTA recap of Chris Soules’ season.) Just as is the case with each of you, I have many sides and many moods, and you will likely get to know these far better with a podcast (a video podcast, no less) than with anything I could ever write. My fear is that those sides of me won’t be welcome, won’t be what people expect (in a bad way). The same goes for Andy, whom I hold in the highest regard (I married him, for Pete’s sake) and who is the most respectful and caring partner I’ve ever had, but who also has a crass and oftentimes inappropriate sense of humor. My fear is people will make sweeping judgements on me, Andy, and/or our relationship based on singular things they don’t relate to or appreciate, as humans are wont to do. I hope this doesn’t happen. It most likely will. I’m steeling myself for it!

This might be a non-issue if I weren’t such a sensitive type, but I can’t help how I am. I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to care less what people think of me, but even thinking about caring less causes me to care even more. My point is, this trait of mine probably isn’t going to change, and it would be the worst reason of all to NOT start a podcast out of fear of what others will say and think. So all I can do is take the criticism and assumptions (which WILL come) one day at a time.

Okay, that was WAY more than I ever intended to write here, but you guys know I can get a bit longwinded when I begin to write. My intention with this blog post is to give you a peek into my mindset as I embark on this new side hustle. Maybe you too are pursuing (or considering pursuing) new paths and projects and will relate. Maybe you’re only considering it but you need a little nudge and something I’ve written here might serve that purpose. At any rate, let me know your thoughts because I always, ALWAYS love reading them!

In case Dear Shandy sounds like something you might like, you can watch HERE and listen HERE. And most importantly, if you have a relationship question, don’t be like my 28-year old self. Send it over and we’ll see if we can talk it out.

Sending all my love, dear pandas!